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Condoms Are Your Friend!

Despite all the hype and the advertising claims about increased sensitivity, nothing cuts the sensation of sex more than a condom. If you still have trouble coming too fast with one on, wear two. But always remember to put ono the jacket. You never know what you could catch.

Denmark: gummimand - rubberman
Germany: lummeltute - naughty bag
Hong Kong:  pei dang vi - bulletproof vest
Hungary:  ovszer - safety tool
Indonesia:  koteca - penis gourd
Nigeria:  okpuamu - penis hat
Portugal:  camisa de Venus - Venus' shirt
Australia:  love glove
Greece:  kapota - overcoat
Spain:  globo - balloon
France: capote Anglaise - English raincoat
England/US: French letter

A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:  "What are these, Dad?"  To which the man matter-of-factly replies: "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see.", replied the boys pensively.  "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies:  "Those are for high-school boys.  One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.  He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers.  "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.  One for January, one for February, one for March, one for.."

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

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Which condom would you use....

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

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Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

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1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE

True story - lessons learned

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."

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